Apologies for an outrageously long break from blogging.
Quite simply I have been experiencing what one could only describe as a complete and utter tower crumbling year or so in terms of my personal life.
I’ve been re-calibrating myself and re-adapting my understanding of reality after a total and complete reworking of my brain and my place within the matrix and it’s not over yet…
I’ve been in the eye of the storm navigating my vessel, the rain, thunder and winds of change screaming, in a place where there is no time for forming words on what one has experienced because we are still very much in the middle of it and processing the information in an effort to make sense of and quantify this new version of life and where I now find myself. Life path options have been changing daily and are different where ever I go.
This in actual fact has happened so much so in my personal environment, totally separate from the dramas of the outside world that I have more or less wasted no time or attention focusing on it. Particularly after the events of the last few years in the external world. It’s just not been on my radar or a part of my paradigm.
This strange and rather disturbing time provided me with a cocoon away from the world and other persons, where once provided with the space and free of distractions my ghosts found opportunity to come out and roam free.
Have you ever stepped away from all that you believed yourself to be a part of? A community, a faith, a cultural identity, friends, relationships…
I am fully aware that many others have experience of such a scenario finding themselves in the midst of a broken relationship, divorce or even the death of a loved one.
In my case this was a systematic and across the board emptying of the friend tin. With personal and many business connections wiped out in a year and none of that anything to do with viruses either.
A Class in Spiritual Development 101 – Curtesy of the universe.
I can’t help but think that all of this is for some purpose, I mean why else would it happen? The odds of all ones community disappearing at once are surely high? A lesson emerges…but what?
Massive change and leaving all that we once knew and identified ourselves with is the ONLY option available if we wish to save ourselves. And perhaps even find ourselves for the first time?
Maybe I am justifying myself and my actions over the past few years. True I certainly might not have executed the changeover as smoothly as I could have, except there wasn’t a manual to hand for making these radical life changes that I was in ownership of at the time.
I went about feeling my way which was less pretty to look at and a bit more trial and error.
The nail in the coffin was announcing my ill health and online absence to a community of friends and then receiving next to nothing in response by way of support.
A bit of a kick in the proverbial’s after ten years of service in the community and being a go to person for many friends in their hour of need. My nearest and dearest walked away knowing their free counselling sessions had come to an end and I’ve not heard from them since.
Lets face it whatever or whomever you’re leaving it’s likely that they won’t want you to leave and as a result will endeavour to stop you in anyway that they can.
If they love and care about you and are used to having your un-ailing support they do not want that support going anywhere.
However in my attempts since to leave (the area) no sooner have I removed an energetic cable line from an individual another one re-attaches itself. Endeavouring to once again draw me in and keep me from leaving, whispering ‘stay with us’ in the third dimension. I feel like a swimmer desperately trying to make a break for the surface and each time being dragged by unseen forces into the abyss.
Going back is not an option.
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My former path involved alcohol – a lot of it, three days of the week, every week for around twenty-five years.
Alcohol was the starter, the main course and the dessert.
It was my identity, who I was and how I defined myself and the two of us were happily / unhappily married since our sweetheart meeting around age 13 until about my 33rd year.
Coming from a family of drinkers, even more so this defined my tribal identity.
My first baby outing outside of the womb was to a bar called ‘Magnums’ and every weekend not at grandparents or friends was spent in the pub garden with other children eating Dorito’s, Mars bars and drinking tins of Pepsi among a boozy albeit very friendly crowd.
I was in the scrum from the very beginning and much like being a tribe member I was exposed to and a part of conversations and environments which most persons would not encounter until in their late teens or early twenties. This gave me knowledge and insight into the mechanics of people way above my years but also programmed my young mind to believe that this non-stop tribal party was the whole world, the only world and the only way of living ones life.
Imagine the surprise, shock and embarrassment when I heard the call of spirit in my early thirties beckoning me and compelling me to walk on a spiritual path. To a family of drinkers this change tantamount to coming out as gay in the seventies. Or at least what it felt like.
There was a whole grieving process that unfolded for all of us over the past two years, for the old me that no longer existed anymore.
For me, in leaving my position in the old tribe – many tribes in fact from all over the world but essentially giving notice on the person who once existed inside the former persona of ‘Annie’. Who was lots of fun, partied hard and was a big old mess at the same time.
And for my family for whom lost a daughter and friend, one who had always connected with them through the mutual imbibing of alcohol.
I just simply stopped doing the same things as them any longer which created a gulf between us. No longer living in their camp I made camp across the way by myself and waited to see whether any one would come and check out what I was doing…
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What I had seen and experienced on my healing journeys I could not un-see and un-experience and I didn’t want to either.
Having a taste of a different way of living and being, a way I wanted more of, I found myself in the position of spiritual student wanting to explore what each and every faith has to offer. I was intrigued about how they all fit together into one whole consolidated existence which is our collective community of beliefs, on and off this planet. As such I now see myself as some sort of spiritual student.
Last year when I realised that I had to make a definitive change and distinction to those I had previously been in cahoots with, I decided to change my name to reflect the incredible changes made manifest in my life. This act helping to enable others to understand that I had changed and was no longer the same person or at least intent on being the same person moving forward. This also served as a mark of respect to the plants and indigenous community from whence the word originates whom so lovingly helped and supported me in my darkest and lowest times, and nursed me in dark hours after many years of self abuse.
In choosing a name similar to my birth name (it’s meaning being balance, reciprocity or exchange) it serves as a reminder for me moving forward to always keep the balance in my life.
When one person in a tribal collective changes, it pulls the pin on the whole project. Much like removing the bottom card in a house of cards, the whole thing comes down.
What I have come to realise is that;
A lot of people were leaning on me. And as such I was exhausted.
When one person breaks rank and refuses to bounce the ball back any longer the game is over. Much like when playing with children and it comes time to end the festivities a tantrum usually ensues.
A game they love to play with their favourite friend is over and finished for good. There’s bound to be some pre-liminal sulking before a new game can be established, if at all.
Change isn’t always easy but it is necessary, else we all end up playing the same part over and over for eternity in some sort of never-ending groundhog day.
Play the role for as long as you need to, learn all that you can, but be aware that there is always more…
If we are always measuring ourselves by the same measuring stick then we are unlikely to establish any new growth.
We need to stretch to the light to grow!
In order to grow, we must embrace new challenges and release that which no longer serves us.
What? Even if that means leaving a whole community?
YES! If you wish to live life to your full potential.
I’ve always been a sprinkler kind of a girl and have seen life as an enormous buffet, with me the butterfly; hovering, tasting, flying, here and there, sampling all kinds of exotic lifestyles and pastimes. Yet it seems like living my days in this manner are numbered.
These enforced life changes and massive challenges force us to be different, evicting us from our comfort zones and homes. We can choose to listen or continue on the same path as usual knowing it is familiar and safe yet incorrect for us.
Sooner or later reclaiming that energy (our energy) the energy we lavished on trivial pursuits to focus within and work on developing just one or just a few things; so we are able to become the laser beam, if we are to be successful and be able to go the distance.
If we are lucky enough to find ourselves in this position (yes I said lucky!) because life has forged an escape exit for you, a door from your old life into a new one. Do be wise and careful when choosing which direction you wish to go in.
I suggest the path upwards might be the path to follow…
The path of light entails a fairly long and expansive look into the dark and isn’t all sunshine’s and rainbows all of the time. For those of us doing the work it involves seeing the full spectrum of life and activities playing out in the ‘real’ world, eyes wide open.
It involves really working through our own shadow and I feel, being frank about our personal failings and where we are at with others in the community, so that we are able to assist one another in our collective climb back into the light. These things are set to try us but suffering alone never helped anyone.
Authentically sharing is the way forward. And particularly at a time where life is unprecedently bizarre and the sands of time are shifting rapidly beneath us.
On that note I want to send out a big warm hug and thank you to those reading this – I never know who does but I notice more and more people chucking a like in for different posts I have shared which is always encouraging and comforting. Being able to share with others, some of our more troubling and difficult experiences (because we all have them) is super important. We don’t always need anyone to respond but simply finding the relief in release is all that is required. And who knows my perspectives may speak to or help someone else on their journey. That’s the idea anyway!
‘Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future’ Unknown
If you would like any help or assistance transitioning out of the 3rd Dimension then you can book onto my online course with assisted 121 sessions to guide you through the process. This is a total beginners level but I would advise you is not for the faint hearted. The combination of all these practices once levelled together is pretty powerful stuff. So I challenge you to step this way and take up the gauntlet yourself. Link below or if you would like to have a chat and gather some more info do please get in touch here.
Link to course info here.
As ever with love and gratitude to you dear reader! Stay in the light.
Ayni x